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Testing new found confidence.

So I’m out for drinks with some friends and their friends and I thought about giving my number to one of the girls who served food. Then a thought hit me, “why not? What have you got to lose?”

So naturally I asked one of the other staff for a pen, wrote down my number on a napkin and and gave it to her as we left. Unfortunately I bailed after handing the poorly crafted note to said girl and cursed myself for panicking.

Turns out I had lost not only my pride but all subtlety with it.

I am on the precipice.

I have been more than busy of late and very quiet. Why? I’m undergoing something beautiful. I’m getting better. I really feel it! I see things differently now, I feel happier, I try hard to be happy and instead of being jealous that all my friends has someone that loves them, I’m proud and very happy that they have someone.

I’ve never felt more alive than I do right now.

I’m somewhat conflicted at present. For some reason, I have this newfound confidence. I have made some magnificent progress with my mental stability but it’s coming on all of a sudden. I mean I kind of, sorta, meant to ask this girl on a date. By which I mean I asked her to see a movie with me.

The term ‘date’ wasn’t used.

Not only that, I made the decision to stop pursuing a girl I’ve liked for years now. Which you know is great and all but it hurts. I still want her for Christ’ sake. I know you can’t help who you’re attracted to but I don’t want to anymore. She’s hurting me and I can’t even tell her. I wrote out a letter that explains everything to her but she’s not in the right place to receive it.

Yes I’ve told her some things and she’s understanding of course, but in reality, could she even like someone like me in that way? Could she bare holding my hand at all? I doubt it. I could fall for her, and that’s the worst part. I can see myself loving her with all of my being, her and her child but I’m forever the bridesmaid as the saying goes. Do I love her now? No, I couldn’t let myself do that.

I need to know. I need to ask her outright if there is any conceivable future where she, the little one and I are happy together. Do I love her? No, but I’d like to.

I ran out of Sertraline 5 days ago now. I know I should’ve restocked sooner but everything’s been so bad lately I don’t even want to get out of bed.
I’m trying so hard to stay on top of things but I don’t have anyone to lean on and I’m not as strong as I used to be. I’m scared I’m losing this battle now. Have I gone too far in the fight?

I relapsed last week. I’ve not told anyone bar one or two because I’m do ashamed of myself. I have new marks. I wish with all my heart I had someone I can truly turn to, not a friend but someone who’d hold me tight and tell me that everything’s going to be ok. But I have no one.

It’s getting to the point now where I’m starting to not care anymore. I feel like I’m losing my friends again, I feel like my mother’s starting to resent me like last time and that I just keep falling and falling. I feel sick all the time. I eat one meal a day and I don’t want to do anything anymore.
I don’t want to be here anymore.

And another one bites the dust.

So then, I believe I’ve been given a rather strong hint to move on if a picture of your crush in bed with another man is anything to go by.

This always seems to happen to me…

Here we are again!

So then, thanks to Access Your Future and their god-awful services, I got fired from my job. Luckily I’m back with my old door firm and I’m still in employment. Just got back from Glastonbury Festival and while I was there I was happy, chilled and without a care in the world. As soon as I hit civilization, I’m in a real bad mood. My mother wouldn’t even send me money so I could get home from London, I was literally stuck in central London with no way of getting home. Luckily my bank let me go far enough into my unauthorised overdraft so I could get the coach home. She went too far this time…

I got discharged!

I got discharged from the Psych ward! I don’t need to go back! The doc said that I should continue with the Sertraline and I should be fine. I’ve got my new prescription too so I’m back on track! Damn I feel great!

Topsy turvy

Right, I get my Sertraline later on today when I get home. Unfortunately, I have an appointment at the psych ward at the hospital before I can even think of going home. I believe it’s for the new pill the doctors want me to try, the pills to stop the violent thoughts, the ones that will make me docile…

I’m trying so hard not to freak out, I don’t want to go, I really don’t. I’m close to tears with how scared I am. I’m starting to struggle with all of this because if the lack of drugs in my system. Most of all, I’m worried that these particular drugs will change me. I’m finally going for the girl, I finally have the confidence to reach for her and I get handed these pills? I can’t do it. I just can’t. They’ll change me, she won’t want me after this. I’ll once again be nothing…

How could she even want to love me if I change because of these pills? She won’t even want to know me after. She’ll think I’m a freak. A psychotic lowlife who’s only faking normality. I can’t take this any more. I’m giving her all I have and if I don’t have anything to show for it after, I’m giving up.

What’s the point in trying if you can’t even get what you strive for? I don’t care if I get caught. I don’t care if my family and friends hate me, as long as I’m locked away, medicated and get to spend the rest of my days in seclusion until the date I finally take my life I’ll be happy.

I don’t want to die. I just want to love and be loved in return.

I hate not having my pills!

One again I forgot to get my prescription… I can feel myself getting more and more tense and my more violent thoughts have already started spiralling out of control. So many times now I’ve thought about beating someone to a bloody pulp, usually the the ex of the girl I like.

It’s not all doom and gloom however, I’m crushing more and more on her. I’ve not been able to get her out of my head all day. Though I’ve missed this feeling so much, I’m scared of how I feel if and/or when I get rejected and thrown back into the friendzone.

I’m being so tactful about how I play this, I’m being incredibly patient and with no sudden moves as it were. I’m actually starting to ache for her now. I make her laugh as much as possible, be the guy she needs and support her as much as I can do.

I don’t really want a physical relationship atm, I just want her…

Could I be a knight in shining armour?

So the girl I originally liked, I feel, is a no go but alas there is another. I’ve liked her for years but was friendzoned, I think I mentioned it before. Anyway, she has a child, an adorable baby girl and they both need support. I’ve already offered my help, physical, financial or whathave you and I’m doing all I can to cheer her up.

I wouldn’t normally go for a girl with a child but she is the exception. Am I ready to be a fill in father figure? Probably but I’m prepared to take the daughter on for her, regardless of the fact that the biological father reminds me a lot about of my own father.

Whom of course I hate.
In a similar way to Heath Ledger’s Joker.

I care deeply for this girl but I don’t think she knows how much and how long I’ve waited for an opportunity to console her and call her my own. It will be a while before she’d let me he her hand, let alone let me kiss her.

Still… Live in hope and all that.