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A spark of enthusiasm.

So then, Had a good long think last night at work about how I’m going to keep my job/home/life. Basic gist is that I’ve been late so many times thanks to the Access Your Future moped rental service that I’m being called into the office for a stern talking to. I’ve explained countless times but the bitch who seems to have taken over the company won’t listen to me.

Anyway. If I lose this job I’ll probably get kicked out of my home and I have nowhere to go. Sure some of my friends would set me up for a week or so and help me but I can’t go couch surfing, that’s no where near to being a practical solution so I’ve come up with a plan. Get Saturday and Sunday nights off (as there’s no buses running on Sundays) and work every other night of the week. Get the 16:30 bus to Boston, walk to work, walk from work back to Boston, get the 07:00 bus back home and the remaining 8 hours I’ll have left will be spent sleeping and I’ll be repeating the process all over again the day after.

Whether or not my manager will accept this I don’t know but I pray that she does, otherwise they’re down an officer and I’m down a place to live.

I’ve been looking for a better job and nothing suitable’s coming up, I’m thinking of doing an Open-Uni course to broaden my employment horizon but I don’t really know how much they cost to do and there’s no internet access where I work so researching shit on the job will be majorly difficult. I fucking hope that things start going my way soon, otherwise I will just give up, kill a few people and spend the rest of my days inside.

So done with this shit.

As the title suggests, I’ve just finished watching 7 Psychopaths and I must say it’s a really nice movie. However I’m not about to give a review on it, I liked it, there you go.

It did however make me think. One of the Psychopaths, the Jack o’ Diamonds, I really did like him a lot. He killed (if you haven’t seen it yet look away as I’m about to give a few things away) mid to high ranking mafia members. Why? Because they’re bad people and deserve to die. They kill indiscriminately, but he does. He cares for the dogs he kidnaps, he cares a lot for his friends and is always laughing whenever he can, even right at the end.

It got me thinking of course, that’s why I’m typing now, I thought. It is possible to kill multiple people and still lead a good and happy life. I mean, do you have to have a happy life before that or does knowing you’re doing something good make your life worthwhile? I’ve thought a lot recently about killing people, not the usual thoughts however, just when and not how.

When is a good time to kill someone? When they’ve done something really wrong to you? When you’ve got nothing else to live for? I want to do it but at the same time I don’t. I want to because I want to. Lame way of looking at it. I want to make a difference in life but if killing bad people is to be my ‘life’s work’ as it were, the police wouldn’t just let me, they wouldn’t agree with my… ethics.

Christ, even thinking about it now I wonder why I should even bother with it all. There are far too many people out there who don’t deserve the lives they have, who have done more than enough to deserve having it all taken away from them. Even the government is full of back stabbing crooks. How can people really make a positive difference in the world when even the people hired to protect the population turn a blind eye to appropriate justice?

The world is not as sugar coated as people might think. It’s not alright, everything is not ok. We are all cattle and wolves at the end of the day, the cattle sit docile in their homes living out their repetitive, mundane lives whereas the wolves sit in Parliament and walk the streets hunting. Where’s the justice in that? Where’s the sense? Life is a horrid, despicable lie.

people are forced to serve their country right from the moment of birth, they’re never given the option to relocate to a different place if they don’t agree with how their current government operates. I’m not suggesting we start questioning newborns on the matter, that’s just ridiculous. My point is that we are automatically signed up for something we don’t agree with right from the moment the doctor pulls us out. There is no such thing as free speech anymore, there is no peace, there is no sense of community anymore.

Everyone’s out for themselves at the end of the day. After everything, people will only watch their own back. You do not matter, in the body of the would, you are the appendix. You were useful once but not anymore and the machine will keep on rolling with or without you. Your actions do not matter, what matters in this world is money. If you don’t conform, you’re disposed of and nothing stops. No one mourns you, your bosses don’t mourn you, your wives find new lovers, your parents move on, your kids accept it as ‘a part of life’ and to me that begs a certain question. What are we leaving behind that would make a difference?
We’re born, we go to school, we graduate, we go on to further our education, we get jobs, we procreate, we get pensions, we retire, we die. In all our years, who do we effect most that makes the biggest difference? That one person we save from overdosing or jumping? The community?

There are far too many wolves, the cattle are too docile and there is a distinct lack of wolf killers in the world.

Update.

Hey guys! I know I sound really ecstatic and shit but I’m really not. Anywho, I’m tired as fuck and I’m awaiting a call from the IAPT team that I should be receiving at half noon-ish. Been on a real downer lately, back to the point where suicide feels like a good option again. I hope I can get back into therapy, I feel that going on a killing spree and living out my days in a padded cell would be good for me. So I can spend the rest of my conscious life under heavy sedation with no worries in the world.

I no longer have my bike, gave it up because Access Your Future was fucking me around too much and so I’ve had to resort to my mother taking me into work and getting the bus home. I don’t mind getting the bus so much, it’s spending time with my mum that really gets to me. I have to listen to her tell me over and over how much of a failure I am, how much of a fat cunt I am and so on.

I’d tell her what I’m going through but I really can’t confide in her. God knows I’ve tried time and time again, given her so many chances and she always says the same thing “You’re not depressed, grow up, be a man and deal with life" ect. These days I’m not sure if I choose to not confide her because of past experiences or if she could handle knowing how far gone I am. I’m leaning more towards the former rather than the latter. I used to want her to be an actual mum to me, not just an egg doner but I’ve abandoned that hope. she will never be the mother I want her to be.

I just want to give up so badly, I’m so tired of all this shit and getting no support through it all. The majority of my friends don’t understand what I’m going through, I could never confide in them in the way that would help me the most. I don’t think they care enough about me to do something like that for me. 

I do however find solace in my own mind, oddly enough. I am my own best friend and worst enemy, but in the more rational, sane part of my head I’m happy. Thoughts of having someone there for me to gives me so much joy. I find myself believing that I have someone with me just before I sleep, someone who’s there and loves me the way I want to be loved just so I can fall asleep peacefully.

It’s quite sad when I think about it to be honest. I wouldn’t say I have an imaginary girlfriend, I haven’t given this apparition a back story, name and whatnot. Just believing I have someone there, a leaning post if you will, calms me so much. I find myself talking with this belief, as in I talk as though I’m conversing with an actual person but no one’s there and just doing this helps me greatly.

Fuck I hate my life.

Had to pause it.

I’m currently watching this TEDMET talks and it’s about depression. The speaker, Andrew Solomon has been crying for most of the talk which indicates that he’s talking about very personal stuff that happened to him and not just a talk filled with metaphors. He’s helping so many people it’s incredible, with his talks and even giving fans advice after shows he’s reaching out to so many people and has inspired me to work in my community to help tackle depression. Set up Email accounts that people can contact, maybe if enough people are interested we could set up a talk at the local theater.

I believe that a lot of people suffering with depression feel generally happier when with friends or relatives. It’s the bonds and love we have for those who are closest to us lift our spirits. Some of us reminisce about old times, some create new memories together and for even some of us, it’s a period of time when every worry, every heavy load that you carry on your shoulders is somehow lifted just by being with them. Surrounded by people you love and know and what’s more is that some of us have friends who help us through it all. 

Having someone there for us helps a great deal and contributes a massive percentage to those who have walked through depression, through the thickest of it all and have come out the other side smiling and standing tall. Which got me thinking. If I feel better when people greet me with a smile, are very welcoming and friendly so if I was to be friendly to everyone I met, I could lift their mood and make them happier.

I’ve tried hard to better myself for so long now but Andrew has taught me that Depression is everywhere and I’ve often lived by the creed: Be the change in the community. Which to me means several things to me;

“We tend to forget that happiness doesn’t come as a result of getting something we don’t have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. Frederick Keonig

“To be kind to all, to like many and love a few, to be needed and wanted by those we love, is certainly the nearest we can come to happiness.” - Mary Stuart

“The opposite of depression is not happiness, but vitality and my life, as I write this, is vital even when sad. I may wake up sometime next year without my mind again; it is not likely to stick around all the time. Meanwhile, however, I have discovered what I would have to call a soul, a part of myself I could never have imagined until one day, seven years ago, when hell came to pay me a surprise visit. It’s a precious discovery. Almost every day I feel momentary flashes of hopelessness and wonder every time whether I am slipping. For a petrifying instant here and there, a lightning-quick flash, I want a car to run me over…I hate these feelings but, but I know that they have driven me to look deeper at life, to find and cling to reasons for living, I cannot find it in me to regret entirely the course my life has taken. Every day, I choose, sometimes gamely, and sometimes against the moment’s reason, to be alive. Is that not a rare joy?” Andrew Solomon

http://www.ted.com/talks/andrew_solomon_depression_the_secret_we_share?utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=&utm_content=awesm-publisher&utm_medium=on.ted.com-facebook-share&awesm=on.ted.com_f05PV#t-1472991

We need to remember that We’re not alone in this, that Depression is more common than we feel it is. So by being nice to others all the time, you’re helping some people more than you know and just that one kind gesture could make someone’s day. I would like to ask you to share this video with as many people as you can to give those who could be close to you a little inspiration that there is light at the end of the tunnel as it were, that they’re not alone and that there are people who love them and want to help.

Even with the little things, reach out and help someone. Even a stranger, I don’t advise blurting out your life story but just wish them a good day or offer to carry their bags. Small acts of kindness and the more people doing it, the happier and friendlier the community could be. Maybe you already do it but please inspire as many as you can to simply be a good person to everyone and help make them happy too.

I have no words. My grandmother, it won’t be long until she goes and I’m not there. I didn’t know until 6 hours ago. I don’t know when my next update will be, I’ve hit a low that I didn’t think I’d see again for a while. I’m trying my best to keep it together but I’ve never been more compelled to let go before. I want to let go.

Some good thoughts

Sometimes it’s good to forget everything and just think about the big things that mankind has done. Take cities for example, if you were to search ‘City’ and ‘Night’ on here there are some beautiful images of famous cities.

Whenever I visit a city I take the time to let all my thoughts melt away and take in the monumental architecture and think we did this. 

Mankind has gone through so much in our short existence and we’ve built the most awe inspiring civilizations over the years. Gained knowledge that no other creature, be it domestic or foreign, has ever been able to even contemplate and we as a species have striven with determination and perseverance to create a global community filled with brilliance and wonder.

I am the man that built the bridges between the continents, I am the first man to leave this planet on a voyage of discovery and science, I am the man that built the Pyramids block by block and I am the man that will find the cure for cancer, travel further into the universe than any other and I am the man that sees the end of civilization.

I am human.

The evolutionary marvel, the first of the self aware and diplomatic, the 25,000 year old collective. I am man.

Back to the funny farm!

Today’s the day. I’ve been dreading this for years and today I have to enter, of my own will, the Psych Ward at hospital. I could barely function last night at work worrying about it. I can’t sleep now thinking about it. I mean seriously, it’s The Psych Ward. I know it’s probably my paranoia ringing alarm bells again but I can’t help but worry over this, what if they don’t let me out? What if, after the evaluation, I get escorted to a nice little room with a bed that has leather cuffs on it? I know I’ve said a lot about killing people before but this is different. If they try to keep me there, I will break and bend anyone who gets between me and the exit. I cannot be reduced to that. A dribbling idiot giggling away in a locked, padded room. They’ll never take me.

There’s hope yet!

Yesterday, 22/02/14, after I awoke and got ready for work I found a letter addressed to me downstairs. I sighed as I opened it and then realized that it was from the NHS (National Health Service). My old therapist has been fighting my corner and got me in with this other Psychiatrist! This letter alone has given me so much hope, that I might be able to resume therapy and get back on track to regaining my sanity!

Even talking about it now makes me so happy I could cry!

There are however some issues of course, I’m to go to the hospital. Right to the back of the hospital. When the day comes that I have to go in, I know how horrible it’s going to feel walking into the Psych Ward. I’ll try not to hold anything back from the doctor though the thought of giving him reason not to let me leave has been one of my greatest fears for 8 years now. If it ever comes to that I will fight my way out if I have to, I’m not going inside.

Going…

So then, I’m not in therapy anymore. I can barely control my anger and I really can’t bare my family anymore. Even suicide’s looking good again. I feel lost, I don’t have anyone. There is no one who can help me now. I can feel myself slipping further from sanity, my mother warned me that if I’m not careful I’ll become a recluse and she think’s that’s a bad thing? Every day I hate humanity more and more. I hate people, their customs, their laws. I hate everything about the human race. I hate my family and right now there are very few friends that I want to hang around with. Am I going insane? Am I finally losing it after all these years? I’m losing hope fast.

So I’m a little worse for wears…

As it happens I don’t think I can attend therapy anymore. I cancelled three times in a row but she wasn’t there a couple of times and it’s one huge cafuffle. Anyway. I feel like I’m losing it a bit, I’m still taking the Sertraline but my anxiety attacks have gradually been getting worse and I keep getting thoughts of killing others and even myself. Not like a murder suicide situation but apart. Sometimes I feel like killing other people and other times I feel like suicide is a great option, that it’s the best way for me. I don’t know what’s happening to me. I’m scared and I don’t want to go…