I ran out of Sertraline 5 days ago now. I know I should’ve restocked sooner but everything’s been so bad lately I don’t even want to get out of bed.
I’m trying so hard to stay on top of things but I don’t have anyone to lean on and I’m not as strong as I used to be. I’m scared I’m losing this battle now. Have I gone too far in the fight?
I relapsed last week. I’ve not told anyone bar one or two because I’m do ashamed of myself. I have new marks. I wish with all my heart I had someone I can truly turn to, not a friend but someone who’d hold me tight and tell me that everything’s going to be ok. But I have no one.
It’s getting to the point now where I’m starting to not care anymore. I feel like I’m losing my friends again, I feel like my mother’s starting to resent me like last time and that I just keep falling and falling. I feel sick all the time. I eat one meal a day and I don’t want to do anything anymore.
I don’t want to be here anymore.
So then, I believe I’ve been given a rather strong hint to move on if a picture of your crush in bed with another man is anything to go by.
This always seems to happen to me…
So then, thanks to Access Your Future and their god-awful services, I got fired from my job. Luckily I’m back with my old door firm and I’m still in employment. Just got back from Glastonbury Festival and while I was there I was happy, chilled and without a care in the world. As soon as I hit civilization, I’m in a real bad mood. My mother wouldn’t even send me money so I could get home from London, I was literally stuck in central London with no way of getting home. Luckily my bank let me go far enough into my unauthorised overdraft so I could get the coach home. She went too far this time…
I got discharged from the Psych ward! I don’t need to go back! The doc said that I should continue with the Sertraline and I should be fine. I’ve got my new prescription too so I’m back on track! Damn I feel great!
Right, I get my Sertraline later on today when I get home. Unfortunately, I have an appointment at the psych ward at the hospital before I can even think of going home. I believe it’s for the new pill the doctors want me to try, the pills to stop the violent thoughts, the ones that will make me docile…
I’m trying so hard not to freak out, I don’t want to go, I really don’t. I’m close to tears with how scared I am. I’m starting to struggle with all of this because if the lack of drugs in my system. Most of all, I’m worried that these particular drugs will change me. I’m finally going for the girl, I finally have the confidence to reach for her and I get handed these pills? I can’t do it. I just can’t. They’ll change me, she won’t want me after this. I’ll once again be nothing…
How could she even want to love me if I change because of these pills? She won’t even want to know me after. She’ll think I’m a freak. A psychotic lowlife who’s only faking normality. I can’t take this any more. I’m giving her all I have and if I don’t have anything to show for it after, I’m giving up.
What’s the point in trying if you can’t even get what you strive for? I don’t care if I get caught. I don’t care if my family and friends hate me, as long as I’m locked away, medicated and get to spend the rest of my days in seclusion until the date I finally take my life I’ll be happy.
I don’t want to die. I just want to love and be loved in return.
One again I forgot to get my prescription… I can feel myself getting more and more tense and my more violent thoughts have already started spiralling out of control. So many times now I’ve thought about beating someone to a bloody pulp, usually the the ex of the girl I like.
It’s not all doom and gloom however, I’m crushing more and more on her. I’ve not been able to get her out of my head all day. Though I’ve missed this feeling so much, I’m scared of how I feel if and/or when I get rejected and thrown back into the friendzone.
I’m being so tactful about how I play this, I’m being incredibly patient and with no sudden moves as it were. I’m actually starting to ache for her now. I make her laugh as much as possible, be the guy she needs and support her as much as I can do.
I don’t really want a physical relationship atm, I just want her…
So the girl I originally liked, I feel, is a no go but alas there is another. I’ve liked her for years but was friendzoned, I think I mentioned it before. Anyway, she has a child, an adorable baby girl and they both need support. I’ve already offered my help, physical, financial or whathave you and I’m doing all I can to cheer her up.
I wouldn’t normally go for a girl with a child but she is the exception. Am I ready to be a fill in father figure? Probably but I’m prepared to take the daughter on for her, regardless of the fact that the biological father reminds me a lot about of my own father.
Whom of course I hate.
In a similar way to Heath Ledger’s Joker.
I care deeply for this girl but I don’t think she knows how much and how long I’ve waited for an opportunity to console her and call her my own. It will be a while before she’d let me he her hand, let alone let me kiss her.
Still… Live in hope and all that.
If I wanted to kill bad people to make the world a better place, which I do, is it such a bad thing? I know two wrongs don’t make a right and whatnot but I don’t think it would be that bad. The world is full of bad people. People who live their docile lives never questioning “why?”.
I’m not referring to the usual “why are we here?” Speech but why are things the way they are? Why is the sky blue and why do some stars glow red and others white or even blue. Science has explained them yes but there aren’t many who live their lives just looking at things and thinking how that particular object came to be. Through reinvention after reinvention, through scientific curiosity and discovery perhaps?
I told this to my therapist.
“I see things in a different light to others. Maybe thats why I have a different outlook on life.
Take for example a mobile phone. In my head I’ve already stripped it down to separate, individual pieces and that’s where things get interesting. Each and every piece has it’s history. How It was made, how it got to be in this particular phone ect. I look at each piece and think about the different inventions it took to get to that piece, how far humanity has come to be able to produce these products on a mass scale and a look back on how things may have been before the invention of the screw or even the ability to harness electricity.
Think of how long the journey has been to get to this one point, from horse drawn carriages and farming apparatus to self driving cars, speech recognition software and machines capable of learning”.
We, as a species have taken wonder pus leaps and bounds over the millennia. However it’s now said that rising sea levels are now unstoppable. Funny I think, on how we advance technologically in a way to help us get a coffee quicker in the morning and not on how to become more energy efficient and environmentally clean.
As it turns out, over-indulgence is what will ultimately kill us. I’m greedy enough to be thankful that I won’t live to see us all drown but I am still sorry for the future generations.
Sorry about ruining the one planet we have guys. On the plus side, sea life will flourish. Hurray for the sea urchin that will live longer than us. We will be beaten by sea urchins, star fish and plankton.
So here’s the long awaited update… Things have been a tad hectic. Told W2W to stuff it and got a new bike after two months of ridiculous amounts of traveling expenses. I got the girl last weekend but things hadn’t panned out the way I anticipated. I’ve started the “group therapy” shit, done the second week now and they’re telling me everything I’ve learned on my own. I don’t think they can help me but I’ll stick with it. I’ve started taking better care of myself, cleaning my room, taking multivitamins and whatnot. I’ve started talking to an old friend of mine, I once had a crush on her but she friendzone me. Didn’t really bother me much back then, I’m used to it but when you’re trying hard to change yourself for the better and you’re trying hard to find someone, it’s… Disconcerting. The one person I’d date with a child. I can’t blame her, she’s been through a lot.
Tonight I’m at work, updating from my phone. It’s warm enough to sit outside well into the night and I’m passing the time by watching Dexter. I really admire him, I believe in the good he does. I’d do it myself but I don’t have the knowledge to keep it going without getting caught. The drive yes but I don’t think I could pull it off.
I’ve spent a lot of time tonight staring at the stars and thinking about a lot of things I want and why I don’t have them. A girlfriend mainly. I find myself questioning why they don’t like me like I like them, I understand why however. I’m overweight, unattractive body hair, I look like a halfwit thanks to my father’s defective genes and of course, I’m somewhat of a bloodthirsty, lustful basket case. I’m beginning to accept that I may never find anyone who can understand me or love me. My suicidal thoughts have lessened but I still feel lost, maybe chopping off the testis might help me. I can focus on important things then like my work and further bettering myself.
I hope I can find my way soon, I’m lost in a fog, an unrecognisable place of loneliness and discomfort. I’ve been here before but you never really get used to it.
Finger’s crossed I find someone.